Everytime I decide I will make a commitment and try to write. Really write. I fail.
I am unable to do so, and I disappoint myself.
Sometimes I wonder why?
My friends tell me .. Kiran .. you have this beautiful inspirational Page on Facebook and you inspire so many on a daily basis. Yes, since you have not been well, you have had some amazing friends to help you run it, but the essence of it is you. Its your Love, your thoughts, your little pieces of writing that touch others the most. Why can’t you write about yourself?
Why can’t you write For yourself?
It will help you heal.
I listen to the words. I know they are right. I know in my heart it is what I need to do. So why can’t I?
Why do I go into this numbness every time I try to write about my feelings? What am I afraid of?
Why the intense anxiety pangs and sometimes the tears that tremble on the tips of my eye lashes but never fall?
I am even afraid to cry.
What happened to me? What happened to the Loving, passionate, crazy, joyful girl who would make her friends just roll in fits of giggles?
I remember, even since I was very young I wanted to write. I needed it. It came naturally to me as breathing. I would think a million things, but I was always quiet and shy, lost in a world of Books and Dreaming of Faraway. I would rather write than talk. I could listen and observe, and I found myself being THE shoulder cried upon and the one wiping away tears, tucking little secrets whispered by friends and family and comforting anyone in pain. I never really thought twice about it . It was just the way it was.
Life threw me punches I had never expected, and I tried to stand my ground for as long as I could, without ever able to share my pain or what I was going through. The few times I did get the courage to try and share of myself, I was bitten so badly and betrayed to such an extent, I shut off completely.
I analyzed myself over and over. Am I doing something wrong? If life is a mirror image of what’s going inside me, what did I do or think or feel that was so awful? I have my faults – Loads of them, but I can in all honesty say, that I have never, intentionally gone out of my way to hurt someone or inflict pain or unkindness. Was I playing a Victim Role? What was I doing wrong?
I Love too much, I gave too much of myself and I felt too much. I still do. And I don’t regret it. I just regret my weakness and inability to cope with indifference and hostility..
It was too much for too long, and alone and unable to talk to someone and find support, I bottled everything inside till it all imploded and I found myself ill and almost unable to function. Yes. I am pretty ashamed to admit. I fell and broke into little pieces.
I remember hitting Rock Bottom. Maybe a part of me is still there, I’m not sure. I remembered the Darkness, the Pain, the Fear, the Utter loneliness. It was a deep well, I thought I could never climb out of. A part of me stood, looking at the pieces of me all broken. I knew I had to pick them Myself as no one else would. No one. I knew I had to put them together and get up, pull myself together, but some of the pieces were so sharp I was afraid to even touch them, I knew it would hurt so much. And I stood there in that dark, lonely place for a long, long time – My soul weeping with anguish, my heart so over whelmed I could not even find the words to pray.
And All I heard was “Just snap out of it. If you had any faith, this would have never happened to you.”
I heard it all. I saw myself stuck in that rut while the rest of Life moved on. People moved on. And they should. Everyone has their own Lives and their own battles to fight.
When I did find the courage to Face where I was and accept it, I found my self reaching towards Light, towards Hope.
I scrambled and fell. I got up again, and fell over and over. But in that moment, It was as if I heard a beautiful voice whisper:
“You’re not alone. Everything will be okay. ”
I woke up one day and looked around to see what a mess my life had become. I felt isolated and Lost. I found I could not even relate to normality. I could not even do simple things like walk out the door or make my self a cup of tea. I was so ill and weak.
I knew I had to get back into Living. But I just didn’t know how.
I read books, I read any thing positive I could find over the internet and I found myself comforted by beautiful words and images.
One night, I felt again – That deep desolation. I felt I would not see the Morning, such was the sense of fading away unnoticed into nothingness. I don’t know how, or why?
I logged onto Facebook and Created a page. I had that vision of myself in that deep darkness reaching towards light and warmth, and the name “Back Towards light” flashed into my mind. I just started writing down quotations I loved, words from my own heart and sharing them with pictures.
I remember I never requested anyone to “Like” the Page, except, 10 friends on my list. I just kept on sharing, driven and focused on nothing but the words and beautiful photos in front of me, keeping the fear and pain at bay. I honestly don’t know HOW or WHY, people started coming and liking the Page.
In a few hours “Back Towards Light” had over 500 likes.
I remember posting something about Not giving up and holding on, and a woman named Lisa, commented on it and wrote ” Thank you for writing what you did. I was on the edge and about to take my own Life. I have thrown the pills away, and I have changed my mind. I am not giving up. I will get up and hope things will get better. You have literally saved my life and stopped me from making a huge mistake.”
I remember sitting there, and looking at those words. I remember looking out the window and seeing the sun shine bright, peeking through the layers of clouds. I remember – Out of no where, a beautiful white feather float in and rest in my lap.
And I remember the tears. The storm that broke inside my Soul and the cries I had to stifle inside my pillow, as I was so afraid of any one finding out I was crying.
I just knew something had just shifted inside me. Something had changed. I could not yet, understand it, nor put it into words, even to this day. I just knew I was going to be okay one day, and no matter what, I will not give up on myself. I will learn to Love and accept myself. I will learn to heal.
And I will help others to Heal along my journey.
The past few years, took a lot away from me, including my health, my confidence, a normal life, friends, people I had thought Loved me and would stand by me through thick and thin.
But it also opened my eyes, and made me see things in an entirely different way. I found out the meaning of unconditional friendship and Love given to me by beautiful women I befriended through my Page, and who to this day, are a part of my Journey of healing, and are truly my Angels without Wings.
I learned Lessons that made me make different choices I would never have thought about making otherwise.
I learned that it was okay to be different.
I realized that my Past and my Pain did not Define me.
I learned that I don’t ever need anyone else to validate my self worth or true self.
I learned that there is no greater joy in the world, than the bliss of Loving and giving to others.
And I learned to Forgive, and try and move on – Step by step. One day at a time.
I am still learning to Heal, Forgive, and move on – and be stronger, and a better me – One day at a time.
Sometimes, It still hurts. Sometimes the Memories rush in. Sometimes the Pain and fear creep up when I least expect them to.
But I refuse to run from anything anymore. Never again.
The Storms have subsided, though they still lash out at me from time to time. I have learned to Love the rain even more than I had as I child. I still fall and stumble. But I realize that what matters is that I pick myself up and keep on walking. And that it is getting easier with every step.
I just realized, that I can write about how I feel without breaking into pieces. And without being afraid of being judged and criticized.
And just because I fell apart, does not mean I am broken.
I’ll be okay. One day. I’ll be okay.
~ Kiran Shaikh
Fell apart, but not Broken.