Raging Storms of the Quiet Soul …

Everytime I decide I will make a commitment and try to write. Really write. I fail.

I am unable to do so, and I disappoint myself.

Sometimes I wonder why?

My friends tell me .. Kiran .. you have this beautiful inspirational Page on Facebook and you inspire so many on a daily basis. Yes, since you have not been well, you have had some amazing friends to help you run it, but the essence of it is you. Its your Love, your thoughts, your little pieces of writing that touch others the most. Why can’t you write about yourself?

Why can’t you write For yourself?

It will help you heal.

I listen to the words. I know they are right. I know in my heart it is what I need to do. So why can’t I?

Why do I go into this numbness every time I try to write about my feelings? What am I afraid of?

Why the intense anxiety pangs and sometimes the tears that tremble on the tips of my eye lashes but never fall?

I am even afraid to cry.

What happened to me? What happened to the Loving, passionate, crazy, joyful girl who would make her friends just roll in fits of giggles?

I remember, even since  I was very young I wanted to write. I needed it. It came naturally to me as breathing. I would think a million things, but I was always quiet and shy, lost in a world of Books and Dreaming of Faraway. I would rather write than talk. I could listen and observe, and I found myself being THE shoulder cried upon and the one wiping away tears, tucking little secrets whispered by friends and family and comforting anyone in pain. I never really thought twice about it . It was just the way it was.

Life threw me punches I had never expected, and I tried to stand my ground for as long as I could, without ever able to share my pain or what I was going through. The few times I did get the courage to try and share of myself, I was bitten so badly and betrayed to such an extent, I shut off completely.

I analyzed myself over and over. Am I doing something wrong? If life is a mirror image of what’s going inside me, what did I do or think or feel that was so awful? I have my faults – Loads of them, but I can in all honesty say, that I have never, intentionally gone out of my way to hurt someone or inflict pain or unkindness. Was I playing a Victim Role? What was I doing wrong?

I Love too much, I gave too much of myself and I felt too much. I still do. And I don’t regret it. I just regret my weakness and inability to cope with indifference and hostility..

It was too much for too long, and alone and unable to talk to someone and find support, I bottled everything inside till it all imploded and I found myself ill and almost unable to function. Yes. I am pretty ashamed to admit. I fell and broke into little pieces.

I remember hitting Rock Bottom. Maybe a part of me is still there, I’m not sure. I remembered the Darkness, the Pain, the Fear, the Utter loneliness. It was a deep well, I thought I could never climb out of. A part of me stood, looking at the pieces of me all broken. I knew I had to pick them Myself as no one else would. No one. I knew I had to put them together and get up, pull myself together, but some of the pieces were so sharp I was afraid to even touch them, I knew it would hurt so much. And I stood there in that dark, lonely place for a long, long time – My soul weeping with anguish, my heart so over whelmed I could not even find the words to pray.

And All I heard was “Just snap out of it. If you had any faith, this would have never happened to you.”

I heard it all. I saw myself stuck in that rut while the rest of Life moved on. People moved on. And they should. Everyone has their own Lives and their own battles to fight.

When I did find the courage to Face where I was and accept it, I found my self reaching towards Light, towards Hope.

I scrambled and fell. I got up again, and fell over and over. But in that moment, It was as if I heard a beautiful voice whisper:

“You’re not alone. Everything will be okay. ”

I woke up one day and looked around to see what a mess my life had become. I felt isolated and Lost.  I found I could not even relate to normality. I could not even do simple things like walk out the door or make my self a cup of tea. I was so ill and weak.

I knew I had to get back into Living. But I just didn’t know how.

I read books, I read any thing positive I could find over the internet and I found myself comforted by beautiful words and images.

One night, I felt again – That deep desolation. I felt I would not see the Morning, such was the sense of fading away unnoticed into nothingness. I don’t know how, or why?

I logged onto Facebook and Created a page. I had that vision of myself in that deep darkness reaching towards light and warmth, and the name “Back Towards light” flashed into my mind. I just started writing down quotations I loved, words from my own heart and sharing them with pictures.

I remember I never requested anyone to “Like” the Page, except, 10 friends on my list. I just kept on sharing, driven and focused on nothing but the words and beautiful photos in front of me, keeping the fear and pain at bay. I honestly don’t know HOW or WHY, people started coming and liking the Page.

In a few hours  “Back Towards Light” had over 500 likes.

I remember posting something about Not giving up and holding on, and a woman named Lisa, commented on it and wrote  ” Thank you for writing what you did. I was on the edge and about to take my own Life. I have thrown the pills away, and I have changed my mind.  I am not giving up. I will get up and hope things will get better. You have literally saved my life and stopped me from making a huge mistake.”

I remember sitting there, and looking at those words. I remember looking out the window and seeing the sun shine bright, peeking through the layers of clouds. I remember – Out of no where, a beautiful white feather float in and rest in my lap.

And I remember the tears. The storm that broke inside my Soul and the cries I had to stifle inside my pillow, as  I was so afraid of any one finding out I was crying.

I just knew something had just shifted inside me. Something had changed. I could not yet, understand it, nor put it into words, even to this day. I just knew I was going to be okay one day, and no matter what, I will not give up on myself. I will learn to Love and accept myself. I will learn to heal.

And I will help others to Heal along my journey.

The past few years, took a lot away from me, including my health, my confidence, a normal life, friends, people I had thought Loved me and would stand by me through thick and thin.

But it also opened my eyes, and made me see things in an entirely different way. I found out the meaning of unconditional friendship and Love given to me by beautiful women I befriended through my Page, and who to this day, are a part of my Journey of healing, and are truly my Angels without Wings.

I learned Lessons that made me make different choices I would never have thought about making otherwise.

I learned that it was okay to be different.

I realized that my Past and my Pain did not Define me.

I learned that I don’t ever need anyone else to validate my self worth or true self.

I learned that there is no greater joy in the world, than the bliss of Loving and giving to others.

And I learned to Forgive, and try and move on – Step by step. One day at a time.

I am still learning to Heal, Forgive, and move on – and be stronger,  and a better me – One day at a time.

Sometimes, It still hurts. Sometimes the Memories rush in. Sometimes the Pain and fear creep up when I least expect them to.

But I refuse to run from anything anymore. Never again.

The Storms have subsided, though they still lash out at me from time to time. I have learned to Love the rain even more than I had as I child. I still fall and stumble. But I realize that what matters is that I pick myself up and keep on walking. And that it is getting easier with every step.

I just realized, that I can write about how I feel without breaking into pieces. And without being afraid of being judged and criticized.

And just because I fell apart, does not mean I am broken.

I’ll be okay. One day. I’ll be okay.

~ Kiran Shaikh

Fell apart, but not Broken.

Fell apart, but not Broken.

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~ by backtowardslight on August 23, 2013.

23 Responses to “Raging Storms of the Quiet Soul …”

  1. You show what I am trying to do… find the light, trust in and value me and live. Thanks for the encouragement 🙂

  2. Absolutely beautiful sharing of your soul Kiran. Sending so much love your way. Thank you for inspiring us with your amazing story of courage and resilience.

  3. You are the beautiful light that shines through the clouds and brightens the day, the rainbow that glistens across the sky after a storm. You, my dear friend are all that is beautiful, all that is kind, all that is loving. Don’t ever forget that YOU are a gift to this world and everyone who comes in contact with you is blessed for having met you. Each day is a new chance, a new opportunity to grow and heal and you have achieved so much. You are not broken as you have said. You are healing all that has hurt over the years and you are going to come through this stronger than before. Know that you are loved, cared for and prayed for each and every day. I treasure you and your friendship and I am so excited that you found the strength to write and share your journey. Your writing is so beautiful and inspirational and It’s a huge part of who you are and a way to heal your soul. Keep going…you are so much stronger than you know! I love you ❤

  4. Kiran, Your Beautiful HEART Is Beyond What Can Be Expressed With Words. Yes, The True Journey Is Dark and Painful, and Yessssssss, You’re Amazing Expression Comes When I Need It The Most. For I Can Not See What Chokes and Stifles Me, Never The Less, I Do Know That I AM No Longer Broken.

    MMMMMMM, No I AM Not.

    I Have Reached The END Of The ROOT Below The Surface, So Now The Asking, The Guidance I Seek Has Shifted. So I Await Patiently As I Rise Every Morning Sick To My Stomach With This Feeling, Pretending As I Go Through My Day, Patiently Waiting For The Revealing.

    Then They Send You, Yes!!! They and You!!!!

    Thank You For Your Courage,Your Beautiful Precious HEART ♡ ♡ ♡

  5. ❤ :')

  6. Such a beautiful piece of writing…and so inspiring to all of us. Thank you for creating this page…it speaks to my heart and soul and has given me so much comfort and peace, the ripples of your authenticity and love are flowing in all directions. Peace and blessings to you Kiran. 🙂

  7. You are NOT alone! THANK YOU for letting me know neither am I!
    Be blessed…in love & light.
    Peace & grace XxX

  8. *tears* Thank you. ❤

  9. Absolutely beautiful! you are a beautiful human being, I wish you, all of your posters, and me, strength, resilience, and a well earned ever lasting happiness, blessings!!

  10. That was so beautiful, you put into words my life experiences too. I too am still picking up the pieces and yes I get bad days, but then I think no I’m not going to let it get the best of me and somehow I find the strength to carry on. Thank you for your beautiful page, quotations and writings. They help a lot. Thank you..

  11. As I read this I almost had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming. Am I writing this? With every sentence I kept thinking ,”my life”. Of course I knew better. I do know this has given me some inspiration and I know, “I am not alone.” Thank you for pouring your heart our for all of us who feel this way. Bless us all.

  12. Kiran, finding the courage to expose your soul for the world to see is never easy. Indeed, is can be painful. It is, however, a destination of the journey of self-awareness, forgiveness and awakening. Be well as you begin your journey… and look forward to discovering the essence of your soul.

    “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”
    – Lao Tzu

    • Thankyou Michael … your words mean a lot to me.
      It has been very difficult. I am terrified. my hands shake.
      But I was to do this, I want to heal, live, be ME.

      Love your blog and inspirations.

      Thankyou.
      K

  13. In the end, Kiran, it is simply you and God…
    As much as life is about You, however, I’ve found the most effective method to learn about yourself; your character, strengths, challenges… is to focus on other people. It reveals who you are. Be blessed, be humble, but most importantly, be strong and be YOU. Be well.
    Michael

  14. Bright Blessings to you,
    I was so moved by your words, thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts – and pain – you ARE full of Courage and because you have been so devastated yet have NOT given up, you are an inspiration. Anybody can live an easy life, but it takes real Brave Souls to get up and fight when Life knocks them over again and again.
    I’ve recently been betrayed and devastated by a man I love, and trusted with my heart. I’ve had to walk away from him to save my last shred of self-worth, but walking away has cost me my home, and even my home country (its a long story!). But even though I still cry every day, I’m still standing, still Giving and Loving. Caring and Forgiving. I’m trying my best! And that’s all I can ask of myself right now. And I try not to let it affect me if people are mean.
    Sending you MUCH Love+Light on your daily journey. We aren’t here to “succeed” in Life……in the material sense, houses, cars, etc……we are here to Learn and Experience ALL aspects of Life, and in my opinion, just to be able to come through a storm still caring about our fellow human beings (and animals, and indeed the Planet) is all the success we should aim for.

    Namasté,
    San
    X

    • Thankyou so much Sandra … You sound like such a strong person and I am so moved by your words … I know that those who fell and got up again are stronger than those who neever fell at all .. We get stronger at the broken pieces … I would Love to get to know you better ❤ Lots of Love

  15. hi kiran, it sounds like you may be an empath. i am trying to figure this out for myself. i stumbled upon this page because a friend on FB commented on a status. funny! i wish you much happiness!!!

  16. Thank you for sharing your story. Reading it was so surreal for me. I know exactly what you are feeling. I’m living the same reality. It was really nice to see how I feel in some else’s words. Have a beautiful day.

  17. Absolutely beautiful post, love it 🙂

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